What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
You Might Also Like
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance