There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics