There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding