Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You Might Also Like
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.