There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Natural selection at its finest
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*