Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer