@Carbosly: There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I'll kill you all.
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@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing? ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
@murrman5: [giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don't laugh* 2 parts baking soda
@relatabledad: every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says "keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me