What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Something Saturday.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips