“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
You Might Also Like
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead