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@ProfessorWeed_: There is no more cake. This is my suicide note.
@ch000ch: hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
@imdaintyaf: I'm sorry I punched you in the face when you said "I love you". Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
@SamGrittner: "I like your tree's earring."
"That's a tire swing."
@jazmasta: Biology: The science of writing awesome bios.
@LuvPug: Just pulled into the 'Expecting Mothers' parking spot at Walmart because I'm fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.