If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*gets down on one knee*
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots