there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need