@Blondiethegood: There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else's house.
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@heatherlou_: Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
@BoogTweets: *Full parking lot* Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS! *spot opens up* Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!
@ThaJawn: Me: *dying Priest: God has a plan Me: *dies, goes to heaven God: Great you're here. Can you get me the remote off the table?
@robdelaney: My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE.