There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Life hack
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Very good! 👍😂
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys