Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”