Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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Just as the prophecy foretold
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat