Gross if literal…Liverpool
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10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched