There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
You Might Also Like
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich