I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
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Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
What do you hear?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
why no one uses midhusbands
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.