@Kim_pulsive: There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
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@TheMichaelRock: Some guy told me I wasn't funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play? Pregnant wife: No, honey. She's not ready yet. 3-year-old: Wife: 3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
@MikeRevenaugh: Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
@MatCro: [office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?