@Kim_pulsive: There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
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@charliedelta7: Just flipped my son off behind his back because I'm an adult and don't get into arguments with 4 year olds.
@jake_lach: My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen
@PaperWash: donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD! waiter: lol no I said soup OR s- [assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
@Reverend_Scott: Me: Jimi Hendrix? Daughter: Who? Me: Beatles? Daughter: Who? Me: Doors? Daughter: Who? Me: Justin Bieber? Daughter: Hate him. Me: Thank God.