there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
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Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I was bored.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.