There is no “we” in chocolate.
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superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs