There is no “we” in chocolate.
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just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
i meant to share this earlier
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.