There is no “we” in pizza
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”