There is no “we” in pizza
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?