Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
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Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I love it all
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.