There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
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“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy