there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]