@MommaUnfiltered: There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven't seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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@pixelatedboat: Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don't fall out of a helicopter
@shutupmikeginn: I'm thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I'm eating cereal.
@ibid78: [my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell] BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with? ME: a kiss? B: don't do that