There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Y’all know who you are.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.