There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?