There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure