There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
You Might Also Like
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I get it Roomba, I can鈥檛 find my way out of the kitchen either.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Sounds about right. 馃槀馃ぃ
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I鈥檓 gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 馃檪
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Remember when we didn鈥檛 let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.