Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
notice
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.