There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.