I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
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I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.