help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
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We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Single and childfree like Jesus
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
same vibe as tangled headphones
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?