There is wisdom there.
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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer