There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!