There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Yeah. This was me today.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret