@yoyoha: there should be a jail just for people that don't break apart kit kats before they eat them
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@pmclellan: So my drug dealer just died. I'm thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
@YesImMatt: A woman could tweet "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I'm not dead ;)"
@bobvulfov: [speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding