there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
You Might Also Like
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?