There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
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I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
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HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally