@WilliamAder: There should be a "Life of Pi" TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
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@OtherDanOBrien: [Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* "It's...an empty box." *silence* "Oh honey, I love it!"
@Ygrene: [I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth] “Well this isn’t so bad”, I say [I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
@Aspersioncast: My doctor said I shouldn't hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.