@dullandwicked: I need a new hobby, like archery or heroin.

@OtherDanOBrien: [Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* "It's...an empty box." *silence* "Oh honey, I love it!"

@Ygrene: [I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth] “Well this isn’t so bad”, I say [I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

@Aspersioncast: My doctor said I shouldn't hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.

@GrumpyBahr: CW: My wedding is going to be expensive! Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!