There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
You Might Also Like
im 7 sauces long
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?