There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.