There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits