There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat