My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
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three things we don’t talk about
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality