For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
March 16
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?