There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
A dad and his duck
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Spa day..😅
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.