There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Time for evil
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day