There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
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It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Imma just leave this here…………
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.