First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets