There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.